Dear Industry
Next year is my 10 year high school reunion.
Between now and then, could you please just throw SOMETHING my way?
Spanks.
-steve
July 2011
I just got REALLY sad earlier today when I was thinking about summer.
I realized that summer vacations were probably the best times of my life, and could very well possibly never be topped. Like I’m sure getting married and having kids will be great, but will it be better than Slurpees, flashlight tag, and playing Sharks & Minnows in the pool, all with NO bedtime or obligations?
I doubt it.
Sigh.
Donations pour in for 9-year-old’s clean water cause after tragic accident →
news.yahoo.com
This story manages to be both unbelievably heartbreaking and unbelievably inspiring.
Grier Henchy (the little one with the surly disposition) and I were born on the exact same day at the exact same hospital. Now, five and a half years later, I’m me and she’s an angry ginger at a Smurfs premiere.
I’ve yet to make my red carpet debut, but I can guarantee you that when I do, I will not be wearing PANTS and FLATS.
I feel like all of my female followers would just loooove Suri’s burn book.
This is the second night in a row I’ve had to say to myself “Be realistic. You do not have time to watch Flashdance right now.”
Play
“Nobody’s gonna say “Get away from that bus stop!”
—Things we say when discussing shoot locations.
Come on, everyone. Just give it a DAY. Then you can make all your hilarious jokes.
Maybe that’s asking too much? SIX HOURS?
Just be people.
Agree.
Chapter Four pt 1: Turn Off The Fun (Best Buy)
(Catch up on the rest of my stories of part-time jobbery with Chapters ONE,TWO, and THREE)
Hurricane Steve blew through Old Navy faster than you can say “Clothing Return Policy.” You’ll see as the chapters go on, however, that three months at one job was not exactly uncharacteristic for me. It’s not that I couldn’t hold a job, though. Understand that. I didn’t get fired from these places, and I certainly didn’t go quitting because I’m some sort flake. No. There were always extenuating circumstances. Circumstances such as people sucking. Or the job being stupid. Stuff like that.
Best Buy started with an automated phone interview. As if that’s a good screening process. I mean, I’m sure it’s a good way to weed out people who still use rotary phones, but even by the year 2000 if you weren’t on touch tone you certainly shouldn’t have been working at an electronics superstore.
Pretty sure you've always wanted to see me naked.. Well.. I'm feeling pretty adventurous today so go to datelink7(dot)com (switch [dot] with .) then sign up and find my profile under the username 'lolsummer69'. I hid my face in the pictures. but I want you to guess who I am and then hit me up on Facebook lol. Good luck.
Alright, Codi. I know it’s you.
I saw this article and made $ online you dumbass, do it. articlelink4(dot)com
When an anonymous person on the internet offers you ways to make easy money through a website you’ve never heard of then calls you a dumbass, heed the call!
I know that this makes me terrible, but this is the kind of thing that makes me miss New York City →
gawker.com
I love to watch people fight. Love love love love it. Couples. Drunks. Gangs of girls. I don’t care. I’m so happy that it isn’t me that’s involved. It’s so exhilarating! I have zero interest in boxing or any other fight related sport. Sport fighting is the most boring thing out there next to golf. Give me two large ladies, a stroller, a can of mace (at 33 seconds in), and the L train at 9:30 in the morning any old day. I wish I were there. I wish I were there.
When I lived in Chicago I was between two streets that had a lot of bars, and I would ALWAYS wake up to people fighting in the streets. I loved it though. One time I remember jumping out of bed and rushing to the window to get a better view when I heard the words “YOUR NECKLACE GOT IN MY EYE!!!”
Hey remember when Katy Perry had that #1 song and in it Kanye said “I’m a disrobe you, then I’m a probe you. See, I abducted you so I tell you what to do” but like…nobody said “Oh, that’s awfully rapish”
BIKES BEAT JET
Cyclists Beat JetBlue Flight in “Carmageddon” Race
“The ride was beautiful and scenic, our race inspired people to rollerskate, to take trains, to walk to the finish. Meanwhile our politicians and police cowered and bit their nails, telling people to stay home and avoid this sunny California weekend.”
- Wolfpack Hustle
I have three major types of recurring dreams. These are them. They can tell you a lot about me as a person.
1 - Teeth falling out.
2 - In an out of control elevator that keeps shooting up and dropping.
3 - Finding out that all of my friends actually hate me.
Harry Potter. My Timeline.
1 - Senior year of high school. Never saw it.
2 - Kalamazoo, Michigan. Freshman in college. My friend Allison dragged me. She was way into the books. I went because she promised to buy me beer after.
3 - Orlando, FL. Working at Disney World, finally got around to reading the books. Saw it alone at Downtown Disney on a Wednesday afternoon because everyone else had already seen it.
4 - Chicago, IL. Went to a midnight screening because that’s what you do in college. Alcohol was probably involved. Very serious crowd. Mocking or jokes were STRICTLY prohibited.
5 - Detroit, MI. Home for my grandpa’s funeral and my dear friend came in from New York and took me to see it. My lease favorite movie but probably because life was miserable at the time. Same reason I hate the movie Ratatouille.
6 - Somehow missed it in the theatre. Poor? Watched it on HBO or something. Kept falling asleep. I mean, it was fine. Just had a comfy couch.
7 pt. 1 - Huntington Beach, CA. Went to visit my aunt and uncle in Orange County on Thanksgiving. Aunt gave me a little bit of money (despite me being 27 she feels very responsible for my well-being) so I thought “Fuck bills, I’m seeing Harry Potter” and went to the theatre down the street from her at like 11pm.
I’ve seen these movies all over the US and IT ALL ENDS TODAY.
Amazon Vs. California →
latimes.com
If you hadn’t already heard, there’s a battle going down between Amazon and California. California passed a law requiring Amazon to collect sales tax and now Amazon is working to put a measure on the ballot to reverse that law, expecting people will vote by their pocketbooks, even in a time when the state is broke. The sad thing is that they’re probably right.
So the day I heard that Amazon cut off its ties to 10,000 California affiliates, in order to avoid the law in the meantime, I went onto Amazon and sent a letter to Customer Service expressing my disapproval. I tried to find the message I sent, in order to re-post it here, but could not. However, I received their response just now:
We support the referendum against the recent sales tax legislation because, with unemployment at well over 11 percent, Californians deserve a voice and a choice about jobs, investment and the state’s economic future.
At a time when businesses are leaving California, it is important to enact policies that attract and encourage business, not drive it away. We look forward to working again with tens of thousands of small business affiliates in California that were harmed by the new law’s effect on hundreds of out-of-state retailers.
As Governor Brown has made clear, it is important to directly involve the citizens of California in key issues and we believe that Californians will want to vote to protect small business and keep jobs in the state.
This will not affect your ability to purchase items from Amazon.com.
Thank you for shopping at Amazon.com
Best regards,
strapp
http://www.amazon.comOf course, what “strapp” is failing to say is that the referendum is their own. And that the reason they “look forward to working again with tens of thousands of small business affiliates in California that were harmed by the new law’s effect” is that they stopped working with them in the first place.
So I sent the following email in return:
Dear Amazon Representative,
The only reason small businesses were harmed by this referendum is because your corporation elected to disassociate with them. The law would have balanced competition, which could have helped small businesses. In my opinion, it was your company’s action that harmed them, not the law.
The only thing this action encouraged me to do was renew my library card and cut down on my purchases. In a time when corporate profits are at an all-time high and little of it is going toward new jobs or pay raises to existing employees, I’m inclined to doubt Amazon’s alleged concern about unemployment. If Amazon goes forward in placing a measure against this law on the ballot, then I assure you I will be voting against it. I will also be encouraging those around me to vote against it. This state is hurting for money and, with education and health services facing severe budget cuts, I’m not about to vote in favor of a few extra dollars in my pocket or Amazon’s pocket. I hope you’ll pass my sentiments along to those in charge of this decision.
Sincerely,
Lindsay Katai
I know that this post isn’t funny or clever or even that informative, but I’m asking you - write to Amazon, post about it, and vote against this referendum if it ends up on the ballot. I’m sick of this bullshit about taxes discouraging hiring and investment. I’m sick of the gap between those at the top and those conducting the actual day to day work that earns the very profit the corporation is protecting and hoarding. I’m sick of faceless, soulless entities having more power over legislation than the very people who make up that entity. Teachers and cops are being fired so that … what? There can exist this imaginary value to a company that no one actually even touches? That floats in a void, serving only the system that holds it? If I have to pay an extra dollar or two for a book, so be it. And to hell with Amazon if they think we should give a shit about their bottom line when they certainly don’t give a shit about ours.
So yes, Amazon, while this may not affect my ability to purchase items online, it most certainly affects my willingness to purchase items online. If money talks, then mine is saying, “Go fuck yourself.”
Katai wins the internet.
Mr. Scott Davis's Internet Place: Netflix Rate Change →
mrscottdavis.tumblr.com
The biggest white person problem in the history of white people problems.
Agreed.
So like everyone else I’m peeved about the rate jump that Netflix will be adding. I use instant and get disks in the mail. Yes, it sucks that it jumped up 62%. That is a lot of money. What I don’t understand is how some people are acting like Netflix is a basic…
Play
“Kevin James farts and falls down for two hours and you just paid $60 to take your family to see it. So just think about that on your minivan ride home.”
—Gawker
Play
Play
Fun with Mad Libs
Dear Lupe Fiasco,
Thank you for your recent visit to Aqua Marine Marine Medical Center. Here is what the doctor recommends to recover from your broken big toe - no - little toe:
Drink lots of fair trade cocoa, as staying hydrated is important here in Seattle.
Continue to take your AIDS cream 42 times per day, preferably with cat food.
If you are a smoker, quit smoking. Perhaps take up hanging out outside baseball games, or running, or jumping or I don’t know with vampire yorkies.
If you have any questions, please call Dr. Coloradofoot’s office and he will get back to you when it’s convenient.
Thank you,
Nancy RecyclingBin
Chief of Polluting Oceans,
Aqua Marine Marine Medical Center
Sometimes you’ll be working on a script and there are jokes that you you know you need to cut, but it’s hard because you just really love them. I guess what I’m trying to say is Casey Anthony would be a great sketch writer.
I've Never Seen A Single John Wayne Movie
Even though my Grandpa loved them.
Every time we went to to stay with my grandparents (which was probably every weekend as a kid), he’d be watching a John Wayne movie, but as soon as we walked in the door, it was immediately switched to a tape of of Smurfs or Duck Tales that he recorded for us.
My Grandpa died four years ago on the 4th of July, so I’m never as gung-ho about fireworks and barbecues as everyone else. My family is super close and losing him was not easy. He was a major part of my childhood and had a profound impact on the person I grew up to be.
One thing he taught me…straws wrappers at restaurants were never simply removed. They were to be shot at the person across the table from you. A tradition I proudly carry on at every restaurant. He also taught me to shout “YO BETTY!” whenever you needed the attention of a waitress. Which is only adorable when I child does it. So while I don’t encourage you to try it yourself, I absolutely encourage you to teach it to other people’s children.
To my sister, he would always say “Aw, you pretty. Pretty uuuugly.”
To me, he would always roll his eyes and say “Ugh. They got any more like you at home?”
Whenever we were in agreement on something, he’d say “S’okay?” to which the ONLY proper response was “S’aright!”
My grandpa was a smart ass. Like you wouldn’t believe. You want to know where I got it from? There you have it. That’s the guy to blame.
We miss you, Gramps. I’m pretty sure that I am a HILARIOUS guy, and I owe it all to you.
(And that would be his cue to say “Ugh. Are there any more like you at home?”)
I’m finally getting around to watching The Killing. I guess I watch too much TV because all I keep thinking was “You aren’t a detective you’re a sister-wife who broke your neck when your pony tail got stuck in a car door!”
Otherwise it’s good.
Mary Todd Lincoln Presents: Mary Todd Lincoln's Tribute To America!
Mary Todd Lincoln fell off a carriage and hit her head, and now she’s dreaming of the most spectacularly patriotic variety show this great nation has ever seen!
Written by Steve Szlaga and Mark Rennie
Directed by Steve Szlaga and Mark Rennie
Music by Brynna Campbell
Starring: Becky Feldman, Jackie Johnson, Jake Regal, Mark Rennie, and Steve Szlaga
At Quick & Funny Musicals…tomorrow at UCB! 10PM
