In New York! Landed at 530am after a sleep-free red eye (it was my first time on a plane with my own TV how could I sleep?!) and finally getting a nice nap in before the craziness of DCM begins. Also I’m close enough to Central Park that there is no reason to NOT go for a run when I wake up. I love the sounds of the city coming through the open window, although I wish they were accompanied...
You are going to buy a beer this week.
or a coffee. or frozen yogurt. Don’t lie. You will. You might not realize it but deep down inside you know this tiny little indulgence is an inevitability. You might be able to convince yourself that you are too broke to give $5 to cancer, but then magically have a few bucks when it’s time to go grab a beer or a bite to eat… …but you know who you aren’t fooling? ...
Me: Actually, there's no such thing as a Brontosaurus.
Coworker: So the liberal media got to you too, huh?
Sister Sells Hero's Medals For Vacation →
Good thing she likes long warm cruises because this bitch is taking one straight to hell.
DCM12 is nearly upon us!
ucbtladcm: DCM12 starts next week! Follow this tumblr to get EXCITING and FAST-PACED updates about the GOINGS ONS at the Del Close Improv Marathon in New York City! You do NOT want to NOT KNOW about the GOINGS ONS that will be GOING ON.
The kid I was arguing with has bipolar disorder. I only feel KIND OF bad.
I’ve spent most of my day in a heated email debate with a 12-year-old. Because, no. I’m not above that. If I’m right I’m right. Don’t care if you are a fetus or on your old man death bed.
I’ve unretired– Amanda Bynes, via Twitter
At the end of 2010 I will have participated in… 1 triathlon 1 half marathon 1 full marathon 1 Del Close improv marathon 0 Girlfriends
balltillifall: A touch short notice, but if you’re in New York you should check out my friend Dominic’s show “Time For Water” at UCB tonight at 7:30. Guaranteed laughs. Yes, people in New York! Go! Also, they’re playing with Prison Freaks: A Talent Show which you would only want to miss if you were STUPID.
Here's a thought for all of you casting directors...
You can buy an email domain for like 2 cents. Do it already, because nobody is going to take you seriously with that sbcglobal.net buffoonery.
Shorty I’m a only tell you this once, you’re the illest. And for...– Actual song I heard on the radio.
Hey! New York! See you in 8 days! Hey! Detroit! See you in 13 days!
I have to share some of the theme songs I’ve...
My Dad built a teleportation device from some plans he bought off Ebay from some...– You know how for $5 I will write and record a theme song about someone? This is what a customer just sent me.
Today I biked 25 miles then ran three. This shit is getting tiresome, yo. A few notes about biking - 1) It sucks 2) I hate it It just takes SO LONG to bike a long distance. It’s the most boring thing in the world and I do not like it. When I first started biking I had big dreams in my mind that I was going to be one of those types who shuns their car and bikes to work and to class class...
Dentist two weeks ago: Your insurance will cover it so you just have to pay $50 Dentist today: You owe us $700 I need to go look up my rights or some shit. I call BS.
It’s too hot! Right? Yeah. Too. Hot
Look, Bag Lady… It is FAR too hot out, and you are FAR too crazy, for me to stop and give you money. Take a Paxil and find me in November.
Writing with Steve!
These are the terms I use when writing sketches. “I don’t think it’s dumb enough yet” - TRANSLATION - “This draft could use some improvement” “Would you be willing to make a complete asshole of yourself?” - TRANSLATION - “I’d like to invite you to perform in my piece” “It couldn’t be any more retarded” -...
You know how sometimes you lie...
for no reason… to a stranger? Then you feel too weird about how obscure the lie was to quickly retract it? So you just go with it? And wonder what’s wrong with you and why your brain works that way? Yeah. Me too. Like…why did I just tell a woman on the phone that having kids has really messed up my credit card debt?
It's "per se." NOT "persay."
glamsoda: PER SE PER SE PER SE Segue not segway!
FUN FACT →
You still have (not much) time to donate to the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society. Nothing says “Steve, I support your decision to be a fucking idiot by doing a triathlon” like helping me with the fundraising.
My lease ends in two months and I have been adamant that I will not be living with people come Fall. People keep asking me why…as if being 26 years old I am supposed to WANT or NEED to share space with people. So, for those of you who keep questioning my decision to find an apartment of my own…just read this list. LOU replaced all of the lights in our dorm with black lights and kept...
First it was the Lindsay Lohan trial, then the LaBron James kerfuffle. This was a week filled to the brim with shit nobody should care about!
Bummertown USA: Most people had Monday off, but I had to work. Awesometown USA: I got today off instead and I’m on my way to the beach!
Someone emailed me pictures of their new baby. I kind of want to respond and just say “Didn’t ask for these.”
We all have flaws. It’s human nature. I, for instance, often accidentally put the % sign BEFORE the number as opposed to after it. It’s just my cross to bear.