April 2010
I’m really considering, whether or not, my sister has ever taken an English class, because, her overuse of commas makes me want to disown her.
March 2010
More advice!
When you put four lemons on my desk, and I say “I didn’t come to work today expecting a lemon party!” you fucking LAUGH. Because it’s funny.
Advice to anyone interested in taking improv classes...
…don’t prank call the head of the school to demonstrate how hilarious you and your characters are.
Party At A Rich Dudes House
Ke$ha
“Artist”- Ke$ha
Track - Party at a Rich Dude’s House
Album - Animal
Why am I posting this? Because this skank monster is responsible for such lyric gems such as: “I’m pissin’ in the Dom Pérignon” and “I threw up in the closet, And I don’t care”
I hated Ke$ha until I wrote that $ketch for Not Too $habby la$t week and now for $ome rea$on I love her.
We filmed $aid $ketch on Friday $o pretty $oon you all can $ee it online!
I quit my second job yesterday and now I only work 5 days a week! Saturday, April 17….LET’S GO TO THE FUCKING BEACH!
Ugh
Go fuck yourself.
5 Dollar Theme Songs →
fiverr.com
Back in business!
Best idea ever
You know how I recently went into business of writing and recording tv show theme songs about people’s lives?
This has been AWESOME.
So far I have had sales from-
An urban researcher in India. A pastor in Alabama. A male roller derby competitor. A Hollywood prop designer in love with Rick Moranis.
And more.
I suspended sales in order to get a handle on the first batch of orders but can’t wait to open up shop again. So interesting.
celebrating the first time in over a year that I haven’t been completely fucking broke by ordering a turkey and cranberry panini, bag of chips, and large iced tea.
Too bad I will be forced to enjoy this indulgence at WORK.
Amazon Filler Item Finder →
filleritem.com
One time it was cheaper to order a subscription to Rolling Stone than pay for shipping. I would have been better off paying for shipping.Enter how much you’re short of the $25 you need to spend on Amazon to get free shipping, and this tool will show you items that match it. Brilliant.
!!!
I don’t know what I was expecting to happen when I started chewing on the miniature bottle of hand sanitizer, but I bet you can figure out what happened next.
FOR $5 I WILL WRITE AND RECORD A TV SITCOM THEME ABOUT YOUR LIFE →
fiverr.com
A new extension of my 5 Dollar Poem business.
Warrior Dash →
warriordash.com
I NEED TO DO THIS. WHO WILL DO IT WITH ME?!
“The man of knowledge must be able not only to love his enemies but also to hate his friends.”
—Friedrich Nietzsche
“The man of knowledge must be able not only to love his enemies but also to hate his friends.”
—Friedrich Nietzsche
WORD OF THE DAY
cacophony \kuh-KAH-fuh-nee, noun:
1. Harsh or discordant sound; dissonance.
2. The use of harsh or discordant sounds in literary composition.
—-
i.e.
“The courtroom erupted into a cacophony when I admitted to the twelve counts of child molestation”
Why yes, I am in fact bitter about the LA Marathon.
Here’s why:
People in LA are SO FUCKING bitter about the marathon right now… As if it’s the only time traffic is bad.
They just don’t understand the concept of traveling from one point to another without using a car.
The ability to rationalize a thought as absurd as being bitter towards people who run an ungodly distance in the name of charity by equating fundraising for…say…Leukemia to being a crack fiend?
Now THAT’S Los Angeles.
People in LA are SO FUCKING bitter about the marathon right now… As if it’s the only time traffic is bad.
They just don’t understand the concept of traveling from one point to another without using a car.
Play
I'm just gonna say it.
I’m over Tina Fey and Steve Carrell
True Life: I Need A Transplant
I don’t think I can watch this!
MTV Bans "Telephone" Music Video, Remains Completely Irrelevant →
tv.gawker.com
Can you tell I was raging over this?
Didn’t MTV essentially ban ALL music videos?
When did they plan to play this one even if they DID allow it? Aside from a 13 second clip during the credits of “Real World Road Rules Challenge Goes To Mars.”
Kick-Ass looks stupid, right?
Everyone seems so excited for that movie Kick-Ass…but what I got from the trailer was that it’s really fucking stupid looking and dumb.
SNL should do a sketch about a Kate Hudson lookalike always staring at cue cards. I have a feeling Abby Elliot could really shine with that.
There's a car in my spot.
Right now a girl is just sitting in her range rover with the engine running. The second she gets out and leaves it I’m having it fucking towed.
Dear Self,
There is no shame in chugging old Jager in your car before going into a bar. Drinks is expensive!
“Go around! We’re recreating a faux pas!”
—
“Betty White’s episode of SNL, set to coincide with Mother’s Day weekend, will also feature a reunion of six alumnae: Tina Fey, Amy Poehler, Molly Shannon, Rachel Dratch, Maya Rudolph, and Ana Gasteyer.”
PLEASE. SOMEBODY SEND KRISTEN WIIG OUT OF THE COUNTRY THAT WEEK.
Play
7
That’s how many days I’ve had “Alone” by Heart in my head.
AND NOW IT CHILLS ME TO THE BOOOOOOOOONE
I only look at the UTA List to get riled up.
I like job postings in the industry seeking “someone with thick skin.”
AKA…”somebody who we can treat like shit without worrying that they will quit.”
I read so many openings on the UTA Job List and want to to contact those people and tell them to fuck themselves.
Tell me, exactly how much are you willing to pay for a thick-skinned “career assistant” who is available to get the job done 24/7? Yeah. That’s what I thought.
God do I loathe industry people.
Any Chicago People Looking for a place to live in May?
Myself and another friend are looking for a roommate to save my very excellent apartment.
Huge three bedroom with living room and dining room in Ukrainian Village at Chicago and Damen. $500 a month. If you’re interested let me know/reply/reblog/comment and I’ll email you more details.
I’ll probably post this again so I apologize.
$500 a month? Shut your fucking mouth.
